habits

this is becoming like a daily journal thing for me. i like it though cus it lets me just talk about any random shit i want and it lets me vent as well :) so i missed church today.. again -___- stupid mams put my phone on vibrate so i missed my alarm. so i slept in til 11 basically meaning i slept 11 hours. idk why but i can never get enough sleep, i just want to sleep more and more and more hahah. john came over yesterday and we basically studied precal for like 4 hrs.. im getting so sick of math T__T this week is gonna be hellll especially since SATs is this saturday. i cant believe that days here ugh i wanna cry.. sorta not really IDK. and my counselor told me to take ACT but i missed the deadline so i have to do late registration and pay fucken $65.. -___- and the only close places are like chino hills, burbank, and LA lolol wtf :( anywayyss im giving it all to God to get me through this week. and the next. and the next. and so on.

i think i have slight insomnia these days. even if im super tired, i lie in my bed for at least 30 min to an hour before i ko. its soo weirdd i hate it. i started reading again at night to help me fall asleep, and its been helping :) i miss doing what i used to do. i played cello this morning too. its been like forever since i even looked at it LOL. sorta sounds stupid, but i got a little sad that i couldnt play like before.. my fingers kept freezing up :( shows that i never appreciate what i have until its gone, SERIOUSLY.

i know my friends are there for me, yet at the same time it feels like no one can understand what im going through. its hard pretending like everythings okay and not thinking about the things that constantly bother me every single day. i became so dependent on people, i almost forgot how its like to just not be with people. my mood gets really weird, like im extremely happy and carefree and talkative one moment, and then suddenly im like depressed and alone and frustrated. whhhyyyyy :( i want things to go back to the way they were.. but thats not possible. i need to move on, i need to learn from my mistakes, and i need to put my mind and actions to it. suddenly changing my priorities list is a lot harder than i thought, getting used to it will probably take a long time. but as retarded as this sounds, everyday i began to tell myself that i can do this. and that i can get through :) just need time and effort.

study day today. waking up at 530 tmrw to go to math session monday morning :( sooo tiringg and im sooo lazyyy.. but I CAN DO THIS! =)