detartsurf sa kcuf

im so frustrated.

i want to say that i hate my mom and dad but that wouldnt make sense, because im the one thats making the mistakes. i know that i fucked up but i dont understand how they can be so hateful. they always tell me to think before i speak or act yet theyre the ones that always say things that i can never forget.. and a few hours later they run to me and tell me theyre so sorry and shit. thats fucking bullshit. i hate trying my best because i can never meet my parents expectations. i hate being with my other successful cousins who have perfect grades, perfect manners, perfect lifestyle, perfect habits, perfect fucking everything. i hate being an only child because they depend too much on me. i want to make them happy.. and ive done a lot for them i basically gave up my social life and my will just to try to please them. but obviously thats not enough. they want me to be the kind of daughter that never goes against them, even when theyre being unreasonable as fuck and make no sense, they expect me to just nod my head and understand exactly what theyre saying. why do they think that im always wrong? that im the only one who makes the mistakes? that im the only one who fucks up? and even when i try to talk to them. my mom always tells me like literally everyday to tell her the truth and that she will do her best to understand. HAHAAHAHAHAA fucking bull. she just ends up screaming at me etc. i dont even want to bring my dad into the picture. hes disappointed me way too many times. 

so i decided that even if they nag the shit outta me and make me want to just scream back, im just gonna be patient. i want to get a 4.0 GPA. i want to go to a good college. i want to make the right choices. i want to try hard in all things that im passionate for. and all these wants that i have, ill do on my own. my parents say they support me but they just pull me back. just make me feel like i have to always depend on them. this is my own fucking life. they need to stop obsessing over it. 

damn that felt good.. LOL. just expressing. i havent talked about whats been inside in a while. feels like a whole weights been lifted off of me haha. k gonna go back to finish APUSH statements and essay :)

its fucking hot

the weathers pretty fucken shitty. karmas a bitch too.. 

i knew i would get caught sooner or later

-________-

legit

i wish everyone could be down to earth and just really laidback. not in the DTF (for you noobs "down to fuck") way but just really understanding and patient. someone whos willing to listen and just be there for you. someone who wont judge you for your mistakes and actions. someone just really very super extremely always chill. hahah but life sucksss :( 98% of the people you meet are straight-up bitches fags douches jerks assholes hoes sluts etc. the rest are okay. LOL wtf am i saying -_____- okay so what i did yesterday and today!

yesterday.. was saturday. snuck out at 230 in the morning and went to signal hill with kevin :) the view was amazing like literally breath-taking:

sorry my camera has shitty quality :( but real-life-wise there were so many lights shooo pretty! just hung out there for a while until popo came and told us to get out of there hahah. then kevin did the deed HAAHA too bad he doesnt know hes gonna be whipped pretty fucking hard.. LOL. no "just kidding." :) then we drove back to cerritos and kicked it in his car we were gonna go to the park but cops came up again fail. finally went home at 530. i ended up sleeping only 2 hrs cus of SAT in the morning ughhhh -____- i slept like the entire time at hagwon didnt learn anything aish. i was so excited to get home and ktfo but then i remembered my cousins wanted to go to the getty museum so FML TO THE MAX went back home showered got ready went out to eat lunch at this krn place drove an hour down to LA went to the getty blahblahblah got into a really big and loud fight with my mom that security guards came up to us and asked if we were okay LOL. ugh that was so disorganized i think i have like a little neatness ADD or some shit i want to go back and reorganize that into complete sentences LOL -____- then drove to spoon house in gardena for dinner. the beeeest place in da whole world niggas :) then got back to cerritos cus of mad yogurtland cravings. then drove all the way back to fullerton to drop off my auntie and cousin. finally got back home around 11.. so i basically stayed out for 13 hrs with 2 hrs worth of sleep fucckkking tired haha. but my cousin and i ended up watching a movie LOL so koed at like 2.. ugh.

todayayaay! woke up late for church fastest mofucking shower record HAHAH my cousin timed me -____- 3 min 47 sec haaahaha so gay. got ready and went to church. i think this is worst time for mbc right now. so much shits going on i cant believe it even went on the news. to the both of you stay strong and youll get through. talked with tammy after service UGH so frustrating idk what to do. thanks for that deep talk though. hope you feel better love :) went to jamba juice with my cousin white gummi ftw! haha so good. then went to cerritos mall and FINALLY GOT MY TOMS =) or technically ordered it from there hahah but im soo happy!

the ones i got are olive green though and the base isnt tan-ish but this was the closest picture i could find so yeeee! :) but now i want white canvases and the ash ones.. haha. anywaysss my cousin bought new boots she paid like 200 for them -____- got new plugs cus i lost my old ones. went back home. eddie came over and we went to blockbuster to get a movie (seventeen again LOL watched that shit like 3 times but i still love it) came back home and here i am now! and theyre waiting for me to "finish hw" hahaa. soOoOo ima bounce. laters alligators :)

oh yeah.

082209 ftw bitch.

=)

butterflies

i used to never really understand the whole "butterflies in my stomach" feeling unless i was hella nervous for a school presentation or something. but i think i kinda get it now.. aahahah :)

oookay so im officially fucked for school! yipppeee. it suckss i always tell myself when i wake up that todays the day im going to start reading "rhetoric" or finish all the essays in lively art. but i always get distracted ugh :( and with my sleeping schedule all fucked up now idk how im gonna be able to adjust back to my normal sleeping and waking time LOL. but even though i keep procrastinating summer hw im really determined to give it my all in junior year. i keep wishing that i didnt screw up sophomore year but you cant change the past.. so might as well fix what you can in the present :) plus i really want to get texting back and my own car so my life kinda depends on how hard i work in school. im just drilling into my head how if i finish all my summer hw by next thursday i can play friday and the whole weekend since my rents are gonna be goneee yaayay! i know its bad but last night before i went to sleep i was planning how im gonna jack my moms car keys so that when her and my dad leave she wont be able to find it and ill be the only one who knows where the keys are at.. aka driving wherever i want nigguhs HAAHA sho excited ;) but then again karma usually ends up biting me in the bootay so i have a feeling things might not work out -_____-

i really want to jam! like legitly. i feel like singing all the time LOL just feels good to sing sing sing. oh and i want to go shopping.. really badly.. actually you know what i need to go shopping asap homes. jopyuns prob gonna be like "ashley youre such a fucking idiot i told you so" but i really want toms.. haahaha. like seriously some of their colors are just soo freaking cute askghlkalfkal!

personally like the olive green-ish ones the best but yeaaah that shits fuuuccking sexy.. haaha. someone take me shopping! ill love you foheva :)

& ending with this. like honestly even though my life kinda does suck right now with SATs, SATIIs, studying, summer hw catch-up, volunteer, etc. im really glad the way life is right now. not close with some of my old friends but got close with a lot of new ppl so that makes up for it a lot. and he makes me really happy hhahah. the one person i love talking to any time of the day - morning, afternoon, night whenever. hes the reason im nocturnal and shit but its all good tehe. i actually feel like this ones gonna last. hope for the best yeah? :)

"feel this way" - consequence ft. john legend

so i guess things are going well?

like its weird.. when some things in my life are great, other things suddenly suck. my life can never be completely GOOD =( haaha. yesterday was fail i really wanted to go to signal hill. stupid muddders who dont go to sleep until 420 am -______- okay so i have the worst focus ever. woke up at 930 am even though i was tired as fuck so that i could finish current events and get started on summer hw. but ive been distracted like crazy its so frustrating :( and all i could think about were hot cheeto fries LOL fuckkk i wish i had my own car so i could just drive to the liquor store down the street and buy a shitload of fries yeaaahh that sounds like good shit HAAHA. im such a fatass -_____- need to start going to 24 again and get a nice body gyeah :)

i cant believe schools starting in two weeks. sho efffing shad. i barely even got to kick it with any of the ppl i made plans and promises with ugh ugh! sowy guys lets keep those plans during the school year even though its gonna be my junior year! ahahaha ima fucking get a 4.0 GPA and still play every week =) sike what the fuck am i talking about LOL. oh! rents are gonna be gone next weekend to big bear with their fwends. IM SO HAPPY HARHARS! hahah.. im so pathetic -____- alright needa finish up current events and then study.. study study study! yayaayay lifes just great.

K BYE! :)

eggplants

today was lovely =) tehe. first time i slept before 1 am this whole summer & it was pretty much the best feeling in da worlddd.. hahah. but mudder woke me up at 8 am so do the dished cus she had to go to work and the rest of my family is lazy as fuck. none of my cousins know how to do the dishes LOL wtf. but it was okay since i put up an alarm at 830 am so that i could study for 4 hours straight nawmeannn?! took a shower, youtubed, fb-ed, talked to my babyyyy.. and by the time i looked at the time it was 11 am and my test was in 2 hrs fml :( but all things are possible bitchhHH aced that shit :) so after the longest 4 hrs of my life at chungs my baby came to pick me up and was waiting out in the hall for me what a loser LOLOL jp. so we went to chipotle & guess who drove there.. tehe ;) ate, talked, drove to central, KICKED IT ahaha, then went to cerritos library. saw the cutest little girl thereeee i really wanna have a cute baby girl agh LOL. then mudder picked me up from chungs and we went to zion. we bought so much shit omg I COULD BARELY MOVE THE CART -_____- then saw alexis and all her senior beezys HAHA so random seeing you guysss.. flips & white kids at a korean supermarket. wonderful :) then i saw momma get some eggplants and seriously i was just like wtf. why would you want to eat that shit LOL. like honestly who wants to eat a vegetable (i think?) thats purple and looks like a dick. not me forsure hahah -____- then drove mudder home cus she was really tired. she koed on the 5-minute drive home ahahah cutie. got home a few minutes ago and im getting my mac taken awayyyy =( cus supposedly its gonna distract me from getting at least a 2200 on SATs. uhhhhh yeah totally.

& for tomorrow! yayayay gonna go watch orphan with kevin. i feel like i see him everyday now -_____- hahah. its been forever since i went to watch a scary movie at the theaters.. sho excited :) then after gonna go to warner springs with the fambam! which is why we bought that shitload of groceries. ugh i wish i couldve ended up staying home but then again ive been dying to get out of this area so yay! so now im a bit more excited yeeeee. most def not gonna sleep early tonight cus as much as it felt really refreshing it felt fucking weird LOL. im nocturnal aishhh =( stupid baby. lollll yeah.

UGH I WISH I HAD TEXTING BACK

T_______T

ssssssshit...

soOoOo

i like my baby =)

faults

i am really indecisive. i wish i could make good or the right choices right on the spot but i cant. i always want one thing and then another, and just end up making things worse. i used to think that i would eventually get what i want but life is.. a bitch.

im also really doubtful. i never know whats good or bad for me. im never sure of anything and most of the time i always end up regretting things because i usually end up not going for it or i overdo it. 

& i always expect too much. i want the other person to spend all of his or her effort while i can just have things simply. im selfish and i like it when other people work it out my way.

sooo my biggest faults are being indecisive, constantly doubtful, and expecting too much. aishhhh =( okay think this is kinda getting a bit depressing LOL. so anyways! you know how theres always a particular song that reminds you of a particular person every time you listen to it? yeah that shits been happening to me a lot these days LOL. i cant seem to get that song outta my headddd..

Never Fallin' - Roscoe Umali ft. One Blk Ra

Heartbreaker - MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend (just for the record tehe)

kkkk so my cousins from irvine are coming down tonight for another fambam.. sesh? LOL love them but kinda sorta slowly getting sick of them.. LOLOL. i need to chilllll with my fwendss :( the only way i interact with them is via phone, aim, and facebook. my mom wont even let people visit me (FUCKING PRISON STATUS LOL) shooo shaaaad =( but then again i actually do want to do super well in school and get super high SAT scores so i can go to the super east coast and get super rich and meet a super hot guy and get super-ly? married and have super kids and live in a super home.. hehehe. ugh i need some more spontaneity in my life. its sho boring haahaaha.. minus some weird kid (baby? LOL) thats been making me stay up all night literallly and turning me into some nocturnal shit.. tehe

oh & btw.. i like cuties :)

aghhhh

idk what im doing.. i never plan or think ahead :(

kkkk so my sleeping schedules kinda fucked up LOL. im slowly turning nocturnal. like yesterday night (or morning) i actually took the biggest risk from this entire summer buuuut it was worth it.. :) and when i got home around 530 i couldnt go to sleep so i stayed up listening to music and playing solitaire on my iPod. LOL pathetic :( &  im getting addicted to solitaire too LOLOL. i still cant believe i didnt get caught.. AMAZING-EST FEELING EVAR WSUP WSUPPP.. hehe. shooo i still have a shiiitload of summer hw to do.. or actually start. fail fail fail times a bajillion. someone come study with meeee :)

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I WANT TO GO TO SIGNAL HILL.

<33

LOL

my old blogs sound so depressing.. and i noticed i cuss a lot. sooo cutting back! :) its been forever since i wrote in here haha. so many things changed HAHA. sho sho sho.. my uncle from koreas coming today! yaayayay.. but now i cant go to anns welcome back party tonight so im sorta sad :( anyways. recently i realized how much im addicted to facebook. LOL i have no life T_____T i honestly dont know how i survived this summer being on lockdown.. like the whole time? ive gone out like MAXIMUM 6 TIMES. & its harder to see my best friends cus of my mudder too :( :( :( aish!

kkkkk so went out last night to go eat and get a movie with my cousin yesterday. & my mom let me take the car out cus she thinks if im with someone 21 years or older im legally able to drive.. tehe ;) nnnnyways. saw the cutest guy at blockbuster yesterday night LOL. but you know what! idc about guys right now. bcus my mind is only filled with SATs, SAT IIs, volunteer, volleyball, summer homework, and focus.. which i totally have. or getting there :) oh and i need to cut back on eating junk food. like NO LIE my arms and cheeks.. good lord HAAHA =______= uumm so i need to settle a couple issues before summer ends.. damn. confrontations hard. ANYWAYS!

1) ugh.. so frustrating. lolol

2) i miss you bitch!! :( all the times we went out to chipotle and jamba juice during volleyball practices and games.. & we barely kicked it AT ALL this summer. and we were always together LOL. it sucks cus we have so many opportunities to chill but SHIT HAPPENED so i can never go out aishhhh.. but dont worry im fixing things so that we gonna play before summer ends! :) i also give you props for bitching at my mudder AAHAHAH. welllll other than that ive been kinda worrying about you for a while. youre a smart girl and you know your boundaries.. but honestly you never know what can happen so be careful. lav you homegurl :)

3) we talked yesterday so im soo glad we were able to update each other. but we always seem so busy for each other and our SAT times never match so we barely see each other :( but dont worry bbygirl! cus like i told you yesterday.. PAHTEE OBA HEEUH HAAHAHAH

4) =_______= idk what to do with you LOL. i have so much to think about.

5) asldhsaifhawflwih youre really getting on my nerves. stop saying shit that you dont even know about. & nobody even believes it so why do you try so hard. damn getting me all irritated -_____-

6) thanks for being there for me girls.. you guys are like my sisters. it just sucks a lot since you guys are going to college so that we wont be in youth together. but especially with what happened recently i know you guys have been worried. but i always looked up to you two and knowing you guys will always have my back comforts me. laav you girls :)

7) youre a straight up dick.. wad. LOL. i miss talking to you.. our old "twin" convos haaahah. lets kick it soon before you turn into too much of a fag. :)

8) best singer evah!! yeeeee wsup :) im glad we started talking more this summer. when you actually sang for me on that video i was like OMG OMG ahahaha. we need to hang out at least once before summer ends :( but then again youre too popular and filled with ASB shit so yeah. LOL jk thanks for all that serenading it always makes my day better!

9) brad & megan.. you know who you are now HAHA. sooo im glad we started talking this summer. super random at first but hey! its always fun talking to the cockiest guy ever LOLOL. just suckkss we live sho far away :( but one day we'll kick it! um so truly weirdest, cockiest, most messed up cutie ever? :) oh & get a new picture!! haahaha

10) ooookk actually i think youre the weirdest KID ive ever met. hahaaha but youre pretty chill to talk to :) and also a very awkward & funny person. no lie. LOL. you still owe me a video little sheki.. haha hopefully we'll get to know each other more :) and have less of those silences that you always try to fill up by saying "um" or something ROFL. ill surprise you at work someday.. soon. hahaaha

11) SOULMATE?! HAAHAH.. only one person knows what this means. maybe one day.. keke

12) i heard about what happened. ppppplease.. stay in control.

OKAY TIME TO STUDY. have a great day erbody =)