christmas!

is coming up this friday :) but its not gonna be as exciting as the years before since we were too lazy to have a christmas tree or give each other presents. the economy sucks im getting like no presents for anyone and im barely getting any either :( the only good thing going on is that some of my family from koreas hereee! my grandpa came on sunday, my cousin came yesterday from michigan, and my aunt came today. and tonight we're meeting up with my other cousin and his new wife for dinner. i always thought that i didnt like spending time with my family, but now that they're actually here i love it. i regret that there's always going to be some language barrier between us though. i know the basics but i cant fully express everything i want to say and i know that my family cant explain exactly what they want to say as well. but we still manage and im so thankful that they're here to spend winter break with me and my parents.

im trying to get focused now. i already got distracted when break started and went out every day and night on the weekend. and even though i feel really determined to finish up homework asap and get SAT studying started, its soo hard to actually do it lol. its like all i want to do is go out; i know thats how everyone feels but i feel guilty since my grades suck like no other. im worried about going to college :( i feel so stressed these days. most of its from my grades and studying, but 2 other big problems are God and him. as for God, i cant even call myself a christian right now. i can talk about this with my friends but its not like thats going to change anything unless i do something about it. i want to talk about it with him too but hes not even christian. im starting to reminisce a lot about the past too, like when i had people and friends who encouraged me in the right direction and i could talk about anything with them. but with him, its sorta different. its like the feelings are whats making the relationship work, but other than that its pretty hard to be consistent with each other. i dont want to give up and im certain that i wont, yet theres a part of me that sees the benefits of letting go and how easy that would be.. its making me so indecisive. i feel myself slowly changing too. i used to not care about the small things or the details, but since he's been pointing my problems out i cant help but notice every single thing he does. ughhh i hate this :( 

there was this one picture i came across that really touched me i guess? it said:

"the best thing about a picture is that it never changes, even when the people in it do."

maybe thats why i like to look at pictures and think back hahah. all this shit going on is making me so frustrated T___T i want to go to the beach and just stand at the shoreline and watch the waves where it meets the sky. sounds a bit ridiculous but thats really, honestly, genuinely, exactly what i want to do right now.